This blog is dedicated to the family members who do not understand me, never try to understand me and probably never will understand me. This is basically my purging myself of toxic situations and letting the world know I am my own person and I will not be controlled, manipulated or disrespected.
I am always on a quest in search of tolerance and acceptance. It is a well known fact that I have little tolerance for ignorance, stupidity, cattiness, bitchiness, jealousy and those individuals who choose to make themselves a nuance in my life. I find that tolerance simply alludes me and I have never understood why until a quote that came to mind today that I posted on Facebook
There are just some things you just have to give to God and allow Him to fix it or simply accept there will be no change and pray for tolerance and acceptance. ~ Mara Prose
Well, a friend of mine responded with a comment that truly changed my whole perspective. My friend stated that no one wants to simply be tolerated and to think about how it would feel to tell a loved one that I tolerate you. Instead of praying for tolerance and acceptance, my friend suggested that I pray for love and understanding. This is a perfect example of never knowing where your next enlightenment will come from. You cannot have tolerance and acceptance without love and understanding, it is just as simple as that. I have been praying for tolerance when I should be praying for love and understanding.
My tolerance was tested this past weekend on a trip to see family I had not seen in years. A couple of years ago, I took a trip to reconnect with my aunts and cousins on my mother’s side of the family in Denver. It was a momentous occasion!! All our differences were cast aside and we started with a clean slate. My relationship with them is a close one now and we have a newly formed bond that I pray will never be broken. With my dad’s side of the family getting up in age, I knew it was time to do the same with them, reconnect and form a new bond with this side of the family too. Well, that did not transpire.
“Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime.”
― Mineko Iwasaki
Bygones were not bygones with this side of the family. Past resentments that were never addressed years ago, were brought up often in conversation. I chose to stay with my aunt as opposed to a hotel, thinking it would be like when I stayed with my aunt in Denver. We even did the same things, did yoga, took a walk, sat outside and talked. All was going well until the back handed comments began to surface and the constant references to past resentments I had no idea existed. Additionally, my father became a different person and began to make up stories that were not true in an effort to impress my aunt which I cannot understand. A relationship based on falsehoods is not a relationship. The perceptions they maintained were wrong and I was encouraged to back up his stories and it became a headache. Being apart so long was a sore point for this side of the family. The fact remained, neither one of us made an effort to see each other for the past nine years and where I expected to pick up as if no time had past, my family had a different agenda.
In hindsight, what would have happened if I had prayed for love and understanding with this side of the family? Could I have diffused the situation? Probably so but I didn’t. I accept the fact that my lack of tolerance can hurt my family but I am who I am. I am quick to revert to loving from a distance. You see I choose not to argue, fuss and fight over nonsense, I am all about peace of mind. My days of all that are over. Issues need to be addressed when they arise and if not, then they need to be let go. I am loner by nature, so I will always keep a small circle and it is my nature to eliminate those that disrupt my peace.
Before I left, my aunt said a nasty comment to me but now that I am home and have prayed about it, it no longer hurts. It no longer hurts because I know she lashed out in anger, disappointment and hurt of her own. It is unfortunate that I was not able to reconnect as I had planned but there is a Godly lesson in every situation. God clearly expects me to practice love and understanding. We all can benefit from making a conscientious effort to see other point of views and accept the fact that everyone’s journey is different. I know for sure I will be working on my love and understanding. It may still be from a distance but I will continue to pray that God bridges that gap for me with certain family members. Until such time, I will remain a work in progress and remain grateful for the lessons that arise out of every situation.
I learned a very valuable lesson from this trip and even though it did not go as planned and resulted in me packing up and driving 16 hours to return to the haven of my home, God wanted me to receive the message that I need to work on myself. God was speaking to me this entire trip; even before we left. I had strong doubts on going and everything that took place that caused me to leave, was exactly why I did not want to go in the first place. But at the end of the day, I am glad I was able to see my aunt, uncle and cousins. The problem was that I went in with unrealistic expectations. There should have been no comparison of families and my prayer and mediation should have been for peace, love and understanding.
Until next time, remember to focus on being the best you that you can be and do not allow anyone to change who you are!